Unbearable Light
by darksideofnight
Summary: When he was young, it was easy to accept that Spock would outlive him by 100 years. Now it was burning with difficulty. Spirk, character death


A/N: this is my first Star Trek fic. Also it's a bit cliche, but I hope I put a nice spin on this theme. Thanks!

Aging is difficult for the best of humans. Everyone knows this, really, aging is a fact of life, something everyone has to contend with.

All the same, Jim isn't quite sure what to think when he finds a gray hair on his head. Giving it a hard scrutiny, he feels vain upset writhing inside him. He leaves the bathroom, returning to the quarters he's shared with Spock for nearly ten years.

"Well, it's official." He receives a raised eyebrow for all the dramaticism he speaks with.

"What is?" The Captain heaves a sigh that is half playful and half upset.

"I'm old." There is an amused quirk in Spock's lips when he embraces Jim.

"What has given you this impression?"

"Gray hair." Jim says dubiously, pouting in a way which continues to mask his true discomfort. But the half Vulcan knows it is there. He lets out a breath which might have been his version of a laugh, and kisses Jim, pulling his t'hy'la into bed as a means to appease his worry, at least for the time being.

Now, on his fifty-second birthday, Jim knows he is old. They all are, he can see the experience in their eyes. The maturity with which they now tackle things. They are all far wiser than they were so many years ago on the Narada mission.

Getting old isn't all so satisfying, though. It hurts. It hurts when Spock lays next to him, or kisses him, hair as black as night, face holding only the smallest of lines to boast its age, the sort which no one but Jim would notice.

He tries not to let it bother him, after all, he knew what he was signing up for all those years ago, when he'd bonded with Spock, and he doesn't regret it for a moment.

It just feels strange.

The others, still members of the bridge crew, even after this long, have grown used to seeing the Vulcan as he has always been, as he was when they first met. But it doesn't make it any sweeter.

It used to be easy to know Spock would outlive him by almost one hundred years. Now, it grows harder with each passing birthday. The thing which eases the tension is that he knows he can be with his love until the day he dies. Spock will likely had no such luck.

It is an odd sensation, having no ties to one's own existence. Spock has pushed down his grief, but now something else has come along. All his human companions have died. Jim has died. Uhura, Scotty, McCoy, Chekov, Sulu, they have all gone away.

He knows no one. How fitting that now, 92.35 years after he rejected the Vulcan Science Academy, he learns the full consequences of his decision. He can do nothing now, but return to New Vulcan. He has no real desire to remain with Star Fleet, when Jim is not there. He doesn't feel any drive to do anything. It is only by logic that he decides he must put himself to some use. He recalls his elder self, who is dead now. He thinks he will follow his lead, and be called Ambassador, now. It is all that is left to him, in a lackluster world without his t'hy'la.

Along with this decision comes the sour thought that he has been turned into an old man, when in reality, he is middle aged at worst.

Living is a lonely agony which makes death seem a great mercy. He does not show it.

When he finally dies, no one living pays it any great mind. It seems that the death of his human companions has ruined him. He never again formed any lasting relationships with anyone, Vulcan or otherwise. He wonders if he really has lost all emotion. He feels his heart slow and lays back in the bed, in the quarters on New Vulcan that have been his living space.

His last thoughts are of his t'hy'la, and the wish that they could've died together, at least.

And then the consciousness bleeds out of him, and he knows no more.

A/N: hope it wasn't too awful because I really respect this fandom! I've seen so many well written fics! Also, 92.35 years thing, Spock is supposed to be around 110 at that point. Sorry if that's off..I figure humans will still die by 100, even in the 23rd century...

Please review, and tell me what you think! I need some advice!


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